Perspective

Since receiving this calling to play music I have been on a roller coaster. I recently have been reading and studying a little bit on the Savior's birth. I watched a video done by my church on Christ's birth. It was so beautifully done. While I was watching it there was a moment that really hit me. It got me thinking about Mary. I can only imagine her feelings during and after the angel visited her and told her of her chosen calling. I am sure she felt overwhelmed, and a feeling of inadequacy. But her words were, "Be it unto me according to thy word." I have reflected on this a lot this week. She accepted it with a faith and grace that is amazing to me. I can only imagine what it would be like to be the Mother of our Savior. What a daunting task. But she was ready to do the Father's will. Not to say that my new calling is in any way comparable but I have felt those same feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate. After the last time I played I was determined that I would practice and really work hard on the songs for when I played today. I practiced the two songs given to me over and over and over again. I thought I had them down pretty well and could play them through without too many mistakes. I felt pretty good going into today, then...BAM! It was like I had never played the first song before. I don't think I hit more than about 20 notes right on each verse. It was humiliating to say the least. I didn't even end on the right chord. The second song went much better. I received the same consoling comments as I did the first week I played. It just made me feel horrible. I would rather people just not say anything than to say I did great, when I KNOW for a fact that it was terrible. I went to choir and was thankful that at least I could sing even if I couldn't play the piano. Then I came home and it hit me all over again and I cried. I hate feeling this way. I had a headache again before church even though I was prepared. I felt confident going in because I knew I had practiced really hard and could play the songs. So when I played so poorly it really was frustrating. I feel like it doesn't matter if I practice or not it is going to sound terrible either way. At least I am learning how to play the piano better in private even if I still can't play in front of people. I am trying to be positive but it is hard. I DREAD going to Relief Society. I really just want to skip out and go home after Sacrament meeting and Sunday School. But I know I need to stay and stick it out. I really hope someday I will be able to play the piano in front of others and not feel humiliated every time. My perspective has changed from I can't do this to, I can do this, back to I can't do this all in two weeks. I hope I can get it back to I can and keep it there someday soon! Oh did I forget to welcome you to my pity party? Sorry! Welcome!!!